I miss the 'old' me

Many young people email expressing that they aren’t the person they used to be before their loved one died. They mention that grief came crashing into their lives- even when the death was to be expected. That their grief gave them a whole new identity - and whilst they grieve the loss of their loved one.. they also grieve the loss of their past self.

Grief turns up uninvited, you gain a membership to a club you never wanted to be apart of.. not that anyone would - but you gain this membership long before many others do. Grief reveals parts of you which you never knew existed - it alters your whole being in more ways than one. You can no longer see the world through rose tinted glasses. In many ways, grief is deep and dark. It’s all the emotions you could ever think of rolled into one at any given time. It’s hard to navigate and even harder to push away. Before grief, many of us just lived life day to day- no problem ever seemed to last too long, their was always a solution. Then boom, death happens and it’s truly the first time you realise the permanency of a situation. I think that’s what changes us- the realisation of knowing things are changed forever. The grief that comes with the permanency of death leaves scars. Scars which can dramatically change us.

With that being said, a very famous grief quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist known for her contribution to understanding grief once said, ‘The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to’. The last 3 lines explain the idea of losing the old you amongst your grief. How true - you can be whole again but never the old you.. and why would you ever want to be the same?! You’ve been through a life shattering event- the death of such a special human-being. How could you ever truly go back to who you once were. Some may say that continuing on as the old you can take away from the magnitude of your loss. Whatever you believe, learning to accept that the old you is also gone comes with its own hurt - as the old you was the one who physically experienced the bond with your loved one. Although grief is painful and heart-breaking, it can change us into kinder, more empathetic and gentle individuals. We can now understand how important each day is and how essential it is to let those in our lives know how much they matter to us, because life is too short not too.

So, grieve the old you.. but accept and nourish the new you. You’ve been through things you didn’t think you’d experience for a very, very long time. Accepting the new you won’t make you love or miss you loved one any less- it will just make your grief journey that boy easier to travel through. Remember, you never have to navigate your grief journey alone, there is always someone ready to walk with you for however long you need the extra support.

If you’d like to speak to someone about how you are feeling, reach out to us via email anytime: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. You can also call the freephone Cruse helpline on: 0808 808 1677. If you’re over 18, you may also like to chat with a trained bereavement counsellor by using the CruseChat feature on the Cruse website. Their services are open Monday-Friday, 9am-9pm.

You matter, your grief matters and so does your loved ones memory.

Incase nobody told you today...

Reminders for members of the grief club:

1. Hold on tight to those who check in on you in your grief journey

2. Never give up

3. Don’t minimise your grief to manage other people’s comfortability

4. Your grief journey will look different to someone else’s and that is ok

5. Never underestimate the power of letting your emotions out

6. You matter, your grief matters and so does your loved ones memory

7. You never have to go through it alone

If you are grieving, we hope you can connect with these reminders. Sometimes, as young people, we can be expected to just get on with things and our feelings and grief can often feel undermined. Please never forget how special you truly are and that the connection you still share with your loved one is everlasting and as important as it ever was.

If you’d like to speak to someone about how you are feeling, reach out to us via email anytime: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. You can also call the freephone Cruse helpline on: 0808 808 1677. If you’re over 18, you may also like to chat with a trained bereavement counsellor by using the CruseChat feature on the Cruse website. Their services are open Monday-Friday, 9am-9pm.

Please reach out if you are struggling - there is always someone ready to listen and to share the weight of your grief with you.

My grief is different to your grief, and yours different to mine.

In the early days, grief can feel like a thunderstorm. A relentless thunderstorm with no end. Even when you go inside for shelter, the thunderstorm still blasts and rumbles outside, no chance for a break - this is grief in the early days or when a ‘griefy’ day presents itself further down the line. As time passes, the thunderstorm gently lifts, becoming more like a rainy day - still visible but much more bearable. Again, as more time passes, the rainy days may become few and far between. However, it’s always possible for a thunderstorm to appear. This is how grief can feel immediately after the loss of a loved one, for quite a long time. The thing with grief is, there is no timeline, no right or wrong way to experience it. My grief is different to your grief, and yours different to mine. Some say grief is as unique as a snowflake- it’s as unique as the person who has died. Therefore, you are the owner of your grief. No one can tell you how to think or feel about your loss as no-one has grief figured out. A piece of advice would be to feel all of your grief or nothing at all. That might sound abit confusing- what it means is to sit with your emotions and every one of them when the thunderstorm hits. Or, feel nothing at all - the message here is to let your emotions be, don’t push them away, but don’t force them either. Grief is really hard to navigate, there is no rule book to follow. Just know that you never have to face the thunderstorm alone. There is always someone waiting and ready to share the weight of your grief with you. Whether that be a friend, family member, teacher or someone from Cruse/ Hope Again.

If you feel like you need someone to talk to, you can call the free Cruse helpline: 0808 808 1677 or, email us anytime at: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk and a bereaved young person will reply.

See your grief emotions as the weather, ever-changing but the storm always passes.

'Be the things you love most about the person who is gone'.

This is a really popular grief quote which has been circulating the grief community on social media recently, and for obvious reasons. How comforting is it to think that we can still hold a piece of our loved one with us forever. We can choose to be all the things that we love most about them. I say ‘love’ in present tense, rather than past. This is because the love never ends, it doesn’t die with our special loved one. On that thought, this is why we can continue to honour our loved ones who we have lost. In a sense, we never truly lose them. Our loved ones are more of us than we even realise. Many believe that as human-beings, we are made-up of all the experiences we have been a part of - and all the people who have crossed our path, no matter how big or small of an impact they have made.

Find comfort in knowing this - knowing that you can continue to be all the things you still love and will forever love about your person. Sending love and warm thoughts to anyone who needs it today. Remember, there is whole community of young people grieving the loss of an amazing soul who can never be forgotten. Reach out if you are feeling alone in your grief, you are never ever alone - there is always someone waiting to listen and share the weight of your grief with you.

What are your thoughts on this grief quote? We’d love to read them - comment below or send an email to: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk. You can also send us your favourite grief quotes to be featured on ‘Grief Quote Corner’ on our homepage.

Whatever is good for your grief - do that.

You might know exactly what to do when that grief wave hits, or you might have no clue at all. It’s important to know that you don’t need to have it figured out. Truth is, no-one has grief sussed out. Just when we thought we did… bang - a brand new feeling or emotion is unlocked and we feel right back to square one.

We wanted to share with you some ideas for what you can do on a day that feels more ‘griefy’ than others:

1. Take time out to journal - writing your thoughts and feelings down in one place can be really empowering. It can also help to ‘declutter’ your busy mind.

2. Breathing exercises and meditation - you can download free apps or take to YouTube to find specific exercises or meditation techniques that are right for you.

3. Spend time outdoors - choose to re-connect with nature. Studies show that spending time outdoors can significantly improve mental well-being (an area which is massively impacted by grief).

4. Have a lazy day/ take a nap - its important to re-charge, grief can be exhausting - if napping is your thing, take time out for that and don’t feel guilty about it.

5. Spend time with your nearest and dearest - some people feel best supported in their grief when being around those who understand them most.

6. Binge watch your favourite TV show or movies - set time aside to chill and do something you enjoy, whether that’s alone or with someone you love.

7. Make time to reminisce - some people find comfort in looking through photographs, eating their loved ones favourite food or going to a place you use to enjoy together.

8. Accept how you feel, no matter how that looks - give space to your grief and all the emotions that come with it. Losing a loved one is world-halting, your new thoughts and feelings are normal.

9. Write a letter to your loved one - put everything you wish you could say in one place. It’s a lovely way to honour the bond you still share with them.

10. Read a book, maybe even a grief book - feeling connected to others who understand can really help to break the isolation which loss can create. Reading about grief can also help you to better understand your own thoughts and feelings.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve - no rule book to follow. Grief is a journey rather than a destination. Look after your head and heart, grief is just love. We feel grief so deeply because we have loved and continue to love - grief is sadly the price we pay. Never forget that you are not alone in your loss. There is a community of young people across the world who have been and will be right where you are - navigating life without their special loved one. Find comfort in that fact, but know that when it feels to heavy to carry, that you can reach out for support.

If you’d like to connect with a bereaved young person, send us an email at: hopeagain@cruse.org.uk.